The opposite of war isn't peace. It's creation.

2009-09-30T04:51:00.004-10:00

I have come to terms with the fact that I need people to like me. I need affirmation, I need to be valued and I need to be needed. It feels good when a friend smiles at me from across campus, happy to see me. It feels good to get a text message from someone just saying hi or sharing something funny that happened to them.

But what happens when the smiles stop? When the they don't think of you when something funny happens? With my friends from high school it has been a mutual letting go. But what happens when the message is "I do not want you. You are not valuable."

Today is Yom Kippur, the day of Atonement. I always wondered why we didn't celebrate Jewish holidays if Jesus did. Did they stop being important? I don't think so. Some of my friends and I have decided to be Messianic Jews (or at least try to be) and today is our first Jewish holiday: Yom Kippur. And on this day of atonement it begs the question, what do I need to atone for?

Those smiles. Those text messages. Not because of their existence but because of what they mean to me. At the end of the day it does not matter if I have the love of the masses. The only love that can redeem me is the love of God. Donald Miller says in Blue Like Jazz that "the most difficult like I have ever contended with is this: life is a story about me." Life is not about me. Life is not about how great I am and how much people should love me because I'm fun and talented and yadayadyada. My life should be a glory to God.

My prayer: may my physical hunger today represent my hunger for God. May my hunger for the attention of praise of others pale in comparison of my hunger for His presence in my life.

Make Me A Sandwich

2008-11-01T13:50:00.003-10:00

This week has been pretty miserable considering how many awesome things happened. 95 on my Stats exam. Finally convinced my parents to let me go to Tanzania. Reconnected with an old friend.

But then there was this vein of conversation that just ruined my week. Don't tell me that I don't deserve equal pay because I am a woman. Don't tell me that I am going to be subservient to my husband. Don't tell me that my place is in the home.

My problem is that I can't ignore ignorance. I have opinions and I'm not afraid to share them. But arguing with these people, ironically most of them women, made me feel horrible. And most of them used God and the Bible as evidence. All I can say is that I hope those references are cultural because I am outright rejecting them. Here's my belief: Jesus should open doors, not close them. Christianity should not box women in to some archaic stereotype. And as far as a relationship, I won't accept anything less than a 50% partnership.

Here's the deal: I won't let my religion make me angry and unhappy. The deeper I get into Adventism, the more I am turned off. Sound like blasphemy? It probably is. So be it. But this is getting old real fast.

Creatures of Habit

2008-04-23T13:38:00.002-10:00

We are creatures of habit. We like to wake up at the same time, eat the same things, talk to the same people about the same things, go to the same places and dream the same dreams. That's 7 sames.

Today I was annoyed by my own repetition. The same boy. The same books. The same places. The same conversations about the same problems over and over and over again. Never changing, at least it seems that way. Wasn't I once more interesting than this? Or am I just now realizing the sameness of my everyday? Can I stop?

"I'm bored. I want to do something else!" She whines petulantly, tugging at the nylon hem of her mother's skirt. She bites her lip, looking up hopefully, her skimpy blond pigtails quivering as she complains.

Maybe I've always been this way.

Different

2008-04-11T05:34:00.003-10:00

I miss feeling... different. You know the high school feeling: No one understands me! No one has felt this way before!

This desire to fit in, to be some homologous copy of every person I come across, is getting old. I want to be a hemp wearing, tree hugging hippie. I want to be a world traveler who can laugh at her mistakes. I want to play the bongos and dance barefooted and not be embarrassed at the sway in my hips. I want to have comebacks ready when someone laughs at me for something I hold dear. I want I want I want.

How do you shed the shell? How do you be vulnerable in a world where very few people care? How can I embrace this person inside me who loves to dance and sing and make art without the dread in my stomach that no one will love her.

I don't have a conclusion for this blog because I just don't know. I want to know, but I don't.

Ticking Time Bomb

2008-04-04T14:27:00.002-10:00

I do not want to graduate. I was surprised to realize that a few days ago. Graduation feels like the end, like my life will finally be over. Maybe looking at grad school that way isn't the healthiest, but it really does feel that way. I still have so much to do! I need to learn how to rock climb! I want to learn how to dance the salsa! I want to learn Spanish, I want to learn how to cook. I want to learn French and live in France for a year!

Then when my advisor tells me that going to France for a year will mean that I graduate in 5, I feel strange. 2012 seems very far away. I will be at Andrews for 4 years anyway, even with my leaving for 1. Ugh, I really am never happy. Can I afford 5 years?

Speaking of French, I can't take Elementary next year because it conflicts with Western Heritage. So I'm going to try to take it over the summer and intermediate over next summer. Will that be enough? We'll see. After taking 3 years of Spanish in high school I never felt like I was ready to live abroad and I don't think I ever would have gotten to that point. Even though it scares be beyond belief, it's something that I want to do, and I think that I just have to jump in.

Besides that, I don't have time to wait. Where did my life go?

Understand

2008-03-25T03:52:00.004-10:00

I do not understand. How hard is that to admit? Well, not very actually. If anyone could have overheard my thoughts in Anatomy today, then they would know that I do not understand.

But it is hard to admit that I will never understand.

"God is not what you imagine or what you think you understand. If you understand you have failed." - Saint Augustine.

I will never understand God. Never. I have come to believe that He is bigger than a book, bigger than a religion. Maybe all the different religions are just our way of trying to reach Him. Maybe they are our way of pretending that we know Him.

But that is a difficult situation. I will be accused of copping out. And I'm not sure that I necessarily believe in the "be a good person and that's enough" philosophy. But from what little I have seen and experienced in life, I think perhaps the best I can do is to follow van Gogh. "But I always think that the best way to know God is to love many things."

Here

2008-03-11T17:49:00.003-10:00

I am.

In my dorm. Doing homework (obviously not.) Alone for once, if only for a few minutes. I just realized that I've fallen into that familiar trap again.

"I can't wait until..."

Hey, Ashley! Yeah, you! This is it! This is your life, and if you don't start living soon, you're going to die. No joke. The clock it ticking, and you are wasting your life on facebook wishing for something better. Well I have news for you. Get up off your lazy bum and go get something better. Sure Berrien Springs is not ideal, but it's where you are. And happiness is all around you. So stop looking forward to some unknown future. Enjoy this.

In the beginning

2008-02-24T15:36:00.002-10:00

Plastic sticks to my sweaty thighs as my feet push back in vain against sand, sand and sand. Finally I am satisfied and I peel my clothing off, one flimsy article after another. Relative cold climbs up my ankles, my calves, my thighs, my butt. Sounds of joy I hardly recognize escape my lips as the water reaches the origin of me. I dive under, welcoming the overwhelming sensation of God. Surrounded. Encompassed. Overwhelmed. Eons of seconds later I surface, hair plastered over my eyes and ears, sealing me off from my limited reality. Opening the curtain, I am still. Smiling, I flip onto atmosphere trapped in lime green plastic. Warmth beats down and grabs water from my skin, leaving only crumbling salt. Never mind. There is more for us both.

Plans

2008-01-31T14:09:00.000-10:00

I will not plan around you, for you. If you want to be a part of my life, then jump in. I am sick and tired of waiting for you. I will live my life to the extremes. I will travel far away from you, and if you want, you are welcome to join me. But I will not wait any longer.

Who are you?

2007-08-05T21:37:00.000-10:00

College is looming. It was there before, a blip on my radar, something I longef for. Now it is there. A giant mystery that takes up my entire vision. I want to go, no doubt. But now I find myself barganing. Just one more day to go to the beach. One more day to browse the too expensive stores at Ala Moana. One more day to sleep in my queen size bed and bathe in my bathtub.

I cannot help but wonder, who I will be a year from now. In the past year, the foundation of who I wanted to be was shaken, and now it teeters on a few stones. But what would be the tradgedy of losing my map? Maybe then I can finally evolve naturally, finding my way through some kind of natural organic process.

I always felt that I was waiting for my life to begin. And in my mind, life began at college. So from here on out, there will be no excuses.

55 and 133

2007-04-07T11:38:00.000-10:00

55 days until graduation.

133 days until Freshman Orientation.

It feels strange to have a date. The light at the end of the tunnel was fuzzy for the longest time, a vague hope that kept me moving. Now it's sharp, so bright my eyes can't adjust to the light. I have to look away, but it floods my vision and everything I do is clouded by the light.

Everything is on hold. There is no point in beginnings anymore, because what good is a beginning if you can already see the end? I have 4 years, 4 years that start in 133 days, to become the kind of person I want to be. That at least is still a vague outline, even fuzzier considering recent events. I will create, I will be, but I will not imitate. Perhaps bits and pieces, but I no longer want to be an immitation of... whatever.

The week in review

2006-10-06T22:50:00.000-10:00

Not bad, considering that I lost half of my friends, was let down by people in general, had to spend hours doing monotonous uploading for yearbook, failed a Physics test and who knows how much AP Euro stuff, and spent half of my yearbook time yelling at people who don't do their work.

Today was fun at least. Queen Margo in Mr. Bickle's room, Water Polo game, rap in Moani's car. Good ending to a bad week.

Laugh and Feel Deep

2006-07-20T20:26:00.000-10:00

Lists

2006-07-19T19:32:00.000-10:00

Summer is for...

Reading
Watching movies (run, don't walk to Blockbuster to rent Kramer vs. Kramer)
Getting addicted to reality TV Project Runway, and So You Think You Can Dance?
Going shopping

I am looking forward to...

The first day of school
More back to school shopping
North Shore road trip
Marya coming back from tha Mainland
Watching Will and Grace: Season 3
College counseling
Graduation, June 2nd 2007

So, where is the college research? The front runners are Andrews and University of Connecticut. I don't know how I'm going to choose. No idea.

Happy Birthday to Me!

2006-05-05T06:10:00.000-10:00

AP US History Exam

By taking that I miss:
ChemCom Exam
Fiction and Film exam (2 peirods)
Trig exam

Yet, I'm still happy. 17 years old seems old. One more year until I leave. Wow.

2006-04-25T19:25:00.000-10:00

All I need to do is make it until summer. These next 6 weeks are going to be hell.

Didn't make them, stole them.

The List

2006-04-13T20:02:00.001-10:00

THE LIST

Andrews University

Walla Wall College

Pacific Union College

La Sierra

Union college

Atlantic Union College

Beloit

Macalster

Ripon

Saint Olaf (I know, I laughed too)

DePauw

Hanover

Boston University

Emerson

Hampshire

University of Massachusetts Amherst

Bard College

Tufts University

American University

George Mason

University of Connecticut

University of Rhode Island

Rhode Island School of Design

University of Oregon

Oregon State

University of Washington

Evergreen State

Western Washington

Pitzer

University of Redlands

UH Manoa (yeah right)

There it is. I will most likey go to one of the colleges on that list. Exciting and scary.

Confessions

2006-04-09T19:33:00.000-10:00

I have a confession.

I still think about you.

The Haven's Grey

2006-04-02T12:52:00.000-10:00

When Yearbook Photographers Get Distracted

2006-03-03T21:36:00.000-10:00

Oldies but Goldies

2006-02-15T19:17:00.000-10:00

Very interesting indeed...

2006-02-10T20:41:00.000-10:00

Pensive

2006-02-08T06:10:00.000-10:00

Hope.

2006-02-08T06:02:00.000-10:00

What was the last thing out of Pandora's box?

Hope.

And rightfully so.

I'm glad.

2006-02-04T09:43:00.000-10:00

I was feeling a little bit jelous of the people at my school that have huge groups of friends. I kept wondering why people didn't want to be friends with me. But then I looked at the pictures of their friends, and some of them arn't nice people. In fact, they have been deliberatly mean to me and my friends. How could someone be friends with that? Bullies, sexual harassers, drug users. I don't understand.

So I'm not jelous. Because my friendships mean something, even if I have less of them than the "popular" crowd. My friends are good people, and I'm proud of them.

Procrastination...

2006-01-31T20:23:00.000-10:00

What do you do when you have no motivation? I know that I should do it, but I don't want to. Ahhhh, I hate school. Am I allowed to have senioritis yet?

Who needs words with a camera like mine?

2006-01-30T18:12:00.000-10:00

This is how it should be.

2006-01-29T14:49:00.000-10:00

I should be playfully flirting, not holding my breath waiting for one person. What the heck is that all about? It should be fun, it should make me laugh and make me smile, not make me want to cry. So there it is, my epiphany. I should be happy instead of sad, what a novel concept. And the funny thing is that I seem to have (excuse the gay cowboy reference) "quit you". Whats the point? It just got so silly, the moping around, the "woe is me" shindig started to annoy even me. And I don't feel it anymore. Maybe I can only be sad about either my love life or trig and trig just won out this semester. Yeah... that sounds good.

Uh-oh, I'm addictd.

2006-01-29T07:58:00.000-10:00

Boredom is a boring word...

2006-01-28T22:01:00.000-10:00

X's

2006-01-28T16:07:00.000-10:00

X IT UP!

You Are
[] short, under 5'0
[] 5'0 - 5'3
[] 5'4 - 5'6
[] 5'7 -5'9
[x] 5'10 - 6'0
[] tall 6'1 and up

NATURALLY
[] blonde
[] redhead
[] auburn
[] brunette
[x] {dirty blonde}/brownish
[] dark brown
[] black

[] blue-eyed
[] brown-eyed
[] green-eyed
[] hazel eyed
[] gold/gray-eyed
[] silver/gray- eyed
[x] blue/green-eyed
[] blue/grey-eyed
[] they change colors

[x] glasses
[] contacts
[] neither

[] short hair
[x] medium
[] long hair
[] mohawk

Your favorite color(s) are?
[X] red
[] blue
[] turquoise
[X] green
[] silver
[] purple
[] brown
[] orange
[] grey
[] aqua
[] pink
[] yellow
[] white
[] black

You've been:
[] rafting
[x] water skiing
[] camping
[X] horseback riding
[X] surfing and skim/wakeboarding
[] water polo
[x] snowboarding
[] skiing
[] skateboarding
[] cheerleading
[] lacrosse
[] street hockey
[] gymnastics
[] martial arts
[] bmx
[x] tubing
[] mudding
[] mud wrestling

You listen to?
[x] country
[] classical
[x] techno
[x] oldies
[] opera
[] reggeaton
[] emo
[] 80's
[] disco
[] hardcore
[X] rock
[] rap
[] r&b
[]classic rock
[X] punk rock
[x] pop
[] ska

The pets you have HAD home or have?
[] cat
[X] dog
[] lizard
[] rat
[] ferret
[] bunny
[] fish
[] duck
[] horse
[] bird
[] frog
[] hermit crab
[] prairie dog
[] none
[] turtle
[] hamster
[] snake
[] gerbil
[] guinea pig
[] pig
[] goat
[] chinchilla
[] tarantula
[] geese
[] chicken
[] mouse
[] sugar glider

Clothing Brands you like?
[x] American Eagle
[x] Hollister
[] Buckle
[] Abercrombie & Fitch
[x] Wal-mart
[x] Wet Seal
[X] O'neil
[X] PacSun
[] Aeropostale
[] Dickies
[] {Quiksilver}/Roxy
[] Hurley/Volcom
[] Guess
[] Lucky
[] Champs
[] Salvation army/goodwill
[] other thrift stores
[X] if i like it i'll wear it
[] Old navy
[] south pole
[] ecko
[X] i don't really care about clothing brands
[X] hot topic
[X]for me it just depends on what it is
[x] ax
[] banana republic
[] rhuel
[] diesel

Shoe Brands?
[x] Nike
[] Adidas
[] Reebok
[x] Converse
[x] Puma
[x] K Swiss
[] Steve Madden
[] Vans
[] New Balance
[] LEI
[X] Etnies
[] DC
[] Phat Farm
[] osiris
[] aldo
[] dvs
[] Doc. Martins
[] ADIO
[] Globe
[X] other

States I have been to.
[] Alabama
[] Alaska
[x] Arizona
[] Arkansas
[X] California
[x] Colorado
[] Connecticut
[]Delaware
[x] Florida
[] Georgia
[X] Hawaii
[x] Idaho
[x] Illinois
[x] Indiana
[] Iowa
[] Kansas
[] Kentucky
[] Louisiana
[] Maine
[x] Maryland
[] Massachusetts
[x] Michigan
[] Minnesota
[] Mississippi
[]Missouri
[] Montana
[] Nebraska
[x] Nevada
[] New Hampshire
[] New Jersey
[x] New Mexico
[] New York
[] North Carolina
[] North Dakota
[] Ohio
[] Oklahoma
[] Oregon
[x] Pennsylvania
[] Rhode Island
[] South Carolina
[] South Dakota
[] Tennessee
[] Texas
[x] Utah
[] Vermont
[] Virginia
[] Washington
[x] Washington DC
[] West Virginia
[] Wisconsin
[] Wyoming
[X] foreign countries

Your confessions:
[x] I am very ticklish
[] I've collected comic books
[x] I read the newspaper
[X] I love Disney movies
[] I don't kill bugs
[] I have/used to have "x"s in my screen name
[] I cook well
[] I have worn pajamas to class
[x] I like Martha Stewart
[] I LOVE someone
[] I am guilty of tYpInG lIkE tHiS
[x] I'm self conscious
[X] I love to laugh.
[] I have tried a cigarette
[] I can't swallow pills
[] I bite my nails
[] Gotten lost in a city
[] Gone out in public in your pajamas
[] Made out in an elevator
[] Been skydiving
[] Been bungee jumping
[] Bitten someone like playfully
[] egged a house/car
[] crashed into a car
[] Been fired
[] Been skinny dipping
[] smoked weed

Have you ever...
[] stolen a sign
[X] danced in the rain
[x] seen a shooting star
[] proposed to anyone
[] gotten stitches
[X] eaten Sushi
[X] gotten the chicken pox
[X] ridden in a taxi
[] went on a cruise ship
[] driven over 400 miles in one day
[] been on a plane by yourself
[] had plastic surgery
[x] seen a movie more than 3 times in the theater
[] been on stage
[] gotten a black eye
[] memorized all the dialogue in a movie
[] watched an entire baseball game on tv

Do you like...
[x] old movies
[X] musicals
[X] blasting music in the car
[X] foreign foods
[x] christmas time
[X] animals
[X] coffee

How much have you LIVED?

[x] I've eaten more than 5 meals a day
[x] I've read a lot of books.
[ ] I've been on some sort of varsity team.
[x] I've run more than 2 miles without stopping.
[x] I've been to Canada.

[x ] I've been to Europe.
[ x] I've watched cartoons for hours.
[x] I've tripped UP the stairs.
[] I've fallen down an entire flight of stairs.
[ x] I've been snowboarding/skiing.

[x] I've played ping pong.
[ ] I've played beer pong.
[X] I've swam in the ocean.
[x] I've been on a whale-watch.
[X] I've seen fireworks.

[x ] I've seen a shooting star.
[ ] I've seen a meteor shower.
[ ] I've almost drowned.
[x] I've peed my bed/pants.
[x] I've been so embarrassed I wanted to disappear.

[x] I've listened to one cd over & over & over again.
[] I've had stitches.
[x] I've been on the honor roll.
[ ] I've had frostbite.
[ ] I've licked a frozen pole and got stuck there.

[X] I've stayed up til 2 doing homework/projects.
[ ] I've had a job before/currently have a job.
[x] I've been ice skating.
[x] I've been rollerblading.
[X] I like big roller coasters
[ ] I've fallen flat on my face.

[x] I've tripped over my own two feet.
[] I've been in a fist fight.
[ ] I've played videogames for more than 3 hours straight
[ ] I've passed out from being drunk.
[x] I've watched the power rangers.

[x] I've/I do attend Church regularly.
[x] I've played truth or dare.
[x] I've already had my 16th birthday.
[] I've already had my 17th birthday.
[X] I've gained weight since one year ago.

[x] I've lost weight since one year ago.
[X] but then gained it back
[x] I've called someone stupid. And meant it.
[x] I've been in a verbal argument.
[x] I've cried in school.
[ ] I've played basketball on a team.

[ ] I've played baseball on a team.
[ ] I've played football on a team.
[] I've played soccer on a team.
[ ] I've done cheerleading on a team.
[ ] I've played softball on a team.

[ ] I've played tennis on a team.
[ ] I've been on a swim team.
[] I've been on a track team.
[X] I've been swimming more than 20 times in my life.
[ ] I've bungee jumped.

[x] I've climbed a rock wall.
[X] I've lost more than $20.
[x] I've called myself an idiot.
[x] I've called someone else an idiot.
[X] I've cried myself to sleep.

[x] I've had pets.
[ ] I've owned a spice girls cd.
[x]I've owned a britney spears cd.
[x] I've owned an N*Sync cd.
[xI've owned a backstreet boys cd.

[ ] I've gone skinny dipping.
[ ] I've mooned someone.
[] I've sworn at someone in authority.
[ ] I've been in the newspaper.
[ ] I've been on TV.

[x] I've been to Hawaii.
[x] I've eaten sushi.
[ ] I've been on the other side of a waterfall.
[X] I've watched all of the Lord of the Rings movies.
[x] I've watched all of the Harry Potter movies.
[ ] I've watched all of the Rocky movies.
[ ] I've watched the 3 stooges.
[x] I've watched "Newlyweds" Nick & Jessica.
[x] I've watched Looney Tunes.
[x] I've stuffed myself
[ ] I've been stuffed into a locker.

[x] I've been called a geek.
[] I've dumped someone.
[] I've been dumped.
[x] I've studied hard for a test and got a bad grade.
[x] I've not studied at all for a test and aced it.

[x] I've hugged my mom within in the past 24 hrs.
[x] I've hugged my dad within the past 24 hours.
[ ] I've met a celebrity/music artist.
[x] I've written poetry.
[ ] I've been arrested.

[x] I've been attracted to someone much older than me.
[x] I've been tickled till I've cried.
[ ] I've tickled someone else until they cried.
[x] I've had/have siblings.
[X] I've been to a rock concert.

[ ] I've listened to classical music and enjoyed it.
[] I've been in a play.
[X] I've been picked last in gym class.
[ ] I've been picked first in gym class.
[x] I've been picked in that middle-range in gym class.

[x] I've cried in front of my friends.
[x] I've read a book longer than 1,000 pages.
[ ] I've played Halo 2.
[ ] I've freaked out over a sports game.
[ ] I've been to Alaska.

[ ] I've been to China.
[ ] I've been to Spain.
[] I've been to Japan.
[x] I've had a fight with someone on-line.
[x] I've had a fight with someone face-to-face.

[x] I've forgiven someone who has done something wrong to me.
[x] I've been forgiven.
[] I've been in love.
[x] I've screamed at a scary movie.
[x] I've cried at a chick flick.

[x] I've watched a lot of action movies.
[x] I've cried at a commercial.
[] I've told someone to fuck off.
[] I've screamed at the top of my lungs.
[ ] I've been to a rap concert.

[ ] I've been to a hip hop concert.
[x] I've lived in more than 2 houses.
[X] I've driven on the highway
[x] I've driven more than 40 miles in a day
[X] I've been in a car accident

[X] I've been home sick.
[x] I've thrown up
[ ] I've puked all over someone.
[X] I've been horseback riding.

[] I've filled out more than 10 blog surveys.
[X] I've spoken my mind in public.
[x] I've proved someone wrong.
[x] I've been proven wrong by someone.
[ ] I've broken a leg.

[x] I've broken an arm.
[x] I've fallen off a swing.
[x] I've swung on a swing for more than 30 mins straight.
[] I've watched Winnie the Pooh movies.
[ x] I've forgotten my backpack when I've gone to school.

[ x] I've lost my backpack.
[x ] I've come close to dying.
[ ] I've seen someone die.
[x] I've known someone who has died.
[x] I've wanted to be an actor/actress at some point.

[x ] I've done modeling.
[x] I've forgotten to brush my teeth some mornings.
[x] I've taken something/someone for granted.
[X] I've realized how good my life is.
[x] I've counted my blessings.

[x] I've been made fun of by classmates.
[x] I've made fun of a classmate.
[ ] I've been on a date.
[ ] I've been asked on a date and said no.
[ ] I've asked someone on a date and been turned down.

[] I've slapped someone in the face.
[] I've been skateboarding.
[] I've been backstabbed by someone I thought was a friend.
[x] I've lied to someone to their face.
[x] I've told a little white lie.

[x] I've taken a day off from school just so I don't go insane.
[ ] I've fainted.
[ ] I've blacked out.
[ ] I've had an argument with someone about whether cheerleading is a sport or not.
[] I've pushed someone into a pool.

[] I've been pushed into a pool.
[ ] I've had/have a broken nose.
[ ] I've had a black eye.
[x] I've lost a tooth.
[] I've chipped a tooth.

[X] I've been called an under achiever.
[x] I've been called an over achiever

Singles Awareness Day is Rapidly Apporaching

2006-01-27T21:38:00.000-10:00

I'm not happy being alone. But I'm not unhappy. I think that I've just accepted that it's not meant to happen now. If I had a pyschiatrist, he would say that that is a very healthy opinion to have. It's very empowering. I'm not waiting for anyone, but if love comes and hits me between the eyes, then great. If not, I won't be dissapointed (at least not too much).

I'm still not emotionally where I want to be. I feel a little bit shaky, but thats to be expected after a breakdown right? I just need to breathe and relax. Maybe I'll have a bath. Maybe I need to start yoga. I wonder if that would help...

Trigonometry is worse than the dentist.

2006-01-26T19:10:00.000-10:00

First time crying in second semester = today.

The moral of the story is supposed to be that you work really hard, do all the work, and over come your obsticles. Thats what it's supposed to be, but I keep trying hard and doing all the work and I keep failing. I don't know what to change, and it's really frustrating. Not to mention that everyone thinks that I have the mental stability of a teacup teatering on the edge of a table. I guess I can kiss Senior Prefect good-bye. Not that I seriosuly considered- never mind.

I have no plans for this weekend because everyone had to go and be proactive and actually take the SATs before April 1st. Oh well. I guess I can sit at home and fastforward and rewind The Shawshank Redemption looking for cuts. Sounds exciting.

AHHHHH! Why is my life so boring? The most interesting life is Trigonometry! I need a new hobby besides complaing about my life on a blog that no one knows about.

New beginning, new blog

2006-01-22T11:04:00.000-10:00

Am I giving up my xanga *cough*andmyspace*cough*? No, but I think I need at least one place where I can start over. I have mushy crap on my other blogs, and I think that I can hold out at least a week before I get mushy here.

I'm over it. I'm over waiting for someone who I might not even get along with. So I'm trying to let go. Will I be happy being single, especially less than 1 month away from singles awareness day? I don't think so, but theres no harm in trying right?